I Don't Know

Why does someone shoot people in the middle of a movie theater?!?!  Why do children get abducted?!?!  Why does someone suicide?!?!  Why does a freak accident that could have resulted in a band aid kill someone when another person goes through something horrific and is not expected to live but does anyway?!?!

We don't know...  You probably don't know...  I know I don't know...

Yet, it's only human for us to try to figure it out.  We want to know.  It gives us hope for control over our world that is in so many ways beyond our control.  Clergy will often say that we should not ask the question why, but we do.  It's part of any healing process.

In the past few weeks, Little Turtle has been doing well, which I am very thankful about.  We've been pooling, reading, and BBQ'ing.  Ah, the joys of summah!

In the past couple of weeks, there have been many tragedies around us though - some in our country, some more locally.  Like so many parents, I've been walking the balance beam between being truthful without seriously sending Little Turtle into an anxious tizzy.  Throw in a bit of success, a hefty bunch of fail, plenty of questions, and a whole lot of "I don't know."  That's where we are!

It's made me realize that Little Turtle NEVER says, "I don't know."  Do your kids?!?!

It makes sense.  Her early world was marked by trauma and fear.  She learned to rely only on herself.  Thus, she needs to know everything.  Otherwise, the world is just plain too scary, and it might mean that she needs to depend on someone else for help.  No way, no how, not going there!

So I've been modeling "I don't know" a lot lately, and telling Little Turtle, "Yea, it's scary not to know, but sometimes that's what's true, and when it scares us or troubles us, that's when it's time to get close, get connected, and remember that we're all in this together.  Relationships are what count!"

"You're right Mom.  There's so much I don't know.  It's hard to think about, but I sure am glad I have you to walk with me through all of this."

Ummmmm... Yea, right.  You knew better than that!

So we're starting small...

"I know my friends will be at the pool today."  (But she doesn't know.)

So I say...

"Kiddo, here's where you can say.  'Boy, I don't know if my friends will be at the pool today.  I hope so, but I don't know."

And that's when she has some kind of viscerally induced twitch and look of horror come upon her face so I drop it and we move on.  Hopefully, I'm planting little seeds that can ever so slowly creep into her consciousness.  Maybe one day, she'll copy my words in that sarcastic, I can't believe my mother is so stupid tone.  And after that, maybe she'll copy me like she means it.  And if the stars align in one of those miracles that goes beyond all understanding and leaves us with the all ponderings of "I don't know..." maybe she'll say it all on her own.  Just sayin...  Maybe...  Stranger things have happened haven't they?!?!

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P. S. Sorry for the delay in blogging.  I've been having a lot of trouble getting into my blogger account because it got associated with a different e-mail address, which mixed things up royally.  How it happened?  I don't know.  How it got fixed?  I don't know that either.  :-)